The Fluke News Staff
Get this on video!: Student rides BC Plaza bikes
DURHAM, NC — This past Thursday, a great phenomenon that stands unmatched in Duke’s history occurred on the now-monumental Bryan Center...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 262 min read
Progressive! 68% of fraternity members believe same-sex kissing is fine, as long as it’s between two straight girls at one of their parties
DURHAM, N.C.—In an unprecedentedly progressive effort to “bring the rainbow” to Greek life, Alpha Delta Phi (ADPhi) opened its arms to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 262 min read
Ozempic alternative? This middle-aged woman follows you around and calls you a fatty
SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH — Ozempic has taken the United States by storm. The promise of dropping tons of pounds has both celebrities and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 262 min read
Lucky girl gets to relive youth by spending 30 minutes covering pimple
DURHAM, N.C.—Sarah Lerman is a pretty typical 30-something-year-old. She is unhappily married and has a steady job as an accountant. She...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 191 min read
A Capella Group “The Pitchforks” renamed “The Pitchspoons” to be more well-rounded
DURHAM, N.C.—Award-winning campus acapella group “The Pitchforks” decided last Saturday after a lively– and, at times, violent– Town...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 191 min read
Baseball player loses his daily hat; what happens now?
DURHAM, N.C.—Tragedy struck Duke Athletics this past weekend when baseball player Todd Kernel (T ’25) lost his daily hat in a horrifying...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 191 min read
Duke researchers find you’re the only one on campus struggling
DURHAM, N.C.—A recently published study by researchers at the Duke Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences found that you, the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 191 min read
Duke In Madrid student horrified to learn Spanish women are not into Americans
“¿Cómo están chicas?” bellowed out Todd Barker (T ‘25) as he walked through the Madrid Airport. Finally beginning his semester abroad,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 191 min read
Golden Retriever Boyfriend Sent Upstate
DURHAM, N.C.—When Melissa Peterson (P ‘24) came home late one Friday night, she was disappointed not to see Cooper (No one knows) hanging...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 192 min read
Op-ed: Is your white friend racist or do you really look like that other guy?
It’s a tale as old as time. You’re walking and you see your white friend up ahead coming toward you. You instinctively call out their...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 192 min read
Pescatarian reveals he adopted the lifestyle out of spite towards fish
BEAUFORT, N.C.—Steven Stephenson seems like a typical, white, 45-year-old, twice-divorced father of three, but unlike many other typical...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 191 min read
Temperatures drop, top one-percenters can now social signal with a sweater tied around their neck
DURHAM, N.C.—Dropping temperatures in North Carolina have prompted many Duke students to transition to warmer clothing, while...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 182 min read
Back to its roots: Wayne announces Vietnam Vets will receive bands to Waynestock
DURHAM, NC—As the seasons turn and the warm winds of summer leave us once more, frats and “seriously guys we’re not a frat”s eagerly...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 182 min read
Anxious cannibal wants to bite your nails
BETHLEHEM, PA—Our world seems to be in constant chaos. Wars, fires, floods, coups; the news cycle feeds us tragedy after tragedy. For...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 182 min read
Did she ghost me or does she lack object permanence?
Ever since I locked eyes with my fair Juliet on the throbbing dance floor of Shooters, kissed her sweet vodka-scented lips in an ecstasy...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Girl who texted back “sorry, just saw this!” isn’t lying
DURHAM, N.C.—Confusion erupted among students this Tuesday following an unorthodox subversion of social norms by Tina Roberts (P ‘23) in...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20231 min read
Aww! Guy in ethics class will order drone strikes one day
DURHAM, N.C—By all accounts, Jonathan Fields (T ’24) is an active and enthusiastic participant in Duke’s Human Rights Advocacy course,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 25, 20232 min read
Duke lookalikes club disbands after no one can tell who the real president is
DURHAM, NC — Chaos has broken out within Duke’s premiere uncanny resemblance student organization after the true identity of President...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 25, 20231 min read
The most annoying person you know just discovered Fred Again, decided DJing is his passion <3
WILSON GYM—Corporate America is tough, and as James (T’26) walks into Wilson to clock in for his self-proclaimed “eight-hour leg day” he...
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The Fluke News Staff
Mar 9, 20231 min read
“I love fossil dating:” Archeologists, Sugar Babies Bond Over Shared Interest
NEW ORLEANS, LA—Hotel staffers hosting the annual Fossil Dating Convention sponsored by the Archeological Institute of America (AIA) were...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 20232 min read
Slay! This female serial killer murders small children and big stereotypes
LAS VEGAS, NV—A new serial killer in the Las Vegas area is drawing heavy media attention. Lacey Gray, 34, has allegedly murdered 16 young...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 22, 20231 min read
“Pssst… Hey! You should eat with me until my friend comes,” student desperately whispers to spider
BRODHEAD CENTER—Pathetic little ratperson Cam Emerson (Trinity ‘25) sat alone outside Il Forno eating their soggy Sazon bowl for almost...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 22, 20231 min read
“I’m not gay,” and other lies European Men will tell to get into your pants
DURHAM, NC –– We’ve all met him. That impeccably dressed, dark-haired stud. His presence smells like the cigarette and croissant he had...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20221 min read
Bitter Long Distance Partner Thumbs Up "I love you" Message
DURHAM, NC—A lonely night in Duke University’s Few Quad just got lonelier as sophomore Jessica Parker (Trinity ‘25) received a frigid...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20222 min read
Short Friends are the New Lap Dogs: How to Get One and Keep Them Happy
DURHAM, NC—As the leaves fall, temperatures drop, and Christian Girl Autumn fits are liberated from the closet, people are flocking to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20221 min read
Local dead woman worries her murder wasn’t podcast-worthy
NEW YORK, N.Y.—This past week, 26-year-old Amaya Jacobs was found murdered in a less-gentrified part of the city. Police say the suspect...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20221 min read
SNU to look at familial assets instead of bands for party access
HAMPTONS, NY—Each blossoming school year brings with it the sweet promise of a more refined Duke. For SNU President William McKinsey,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 7, 20222 min read
Elephant really tired of being only one addressed in the room
PERKINS LIBRARY—For a student, becoming an elephant may seem advantageous, what with the personal trunk and ability to never forget. But...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 7, 20221 min read
Fraternity vows to reach carbon neutrality in response to hurricane canceling darty
DURHAM, NC––Hurricane Ian recently swept its way up the East coast, wrecking houses, property and people. The aforementioned victims,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 13, 20221 min read
Tik Tok set to release all drafts by noon
THE UNITED STATES—According to TikTok CEOs Kevin A. Mayer and Zhang Yiming, all drafts are set to be released at noon today. Every...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 11, 20221 min read
“Only in New York” says person who’s lived in New York for two days
NEW YORK, N.Y.—After witnessing a homeless man politely asking for spare change—a common occurrence in any populated area of the United...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 11, 20221 min read
"For $200, I'll paint my nails," says man who's very comfortable with his masculinity
DURHAM, NC– In a stunning display of courage, [name redacted because their parents threatened to sue] Fraternity hosted an event to raise...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 8, 20221 min read
5 Strategies to Get Better in Bed: Sleep with Other Men for Practice
“Babe, you have to understand, I slept with her for you!” Too often do girls hear these words from their faithful, loving, handsome...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 14, 20221 min read
It’s not a “self-care” day, you’re just single
DURHAM, NC—Isabel Solita (Trinity ‘25) got a manicure, put on an avocado sheet mask, and thought to herself—why am I so desperately...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 30, 20221 min read
How to get you and your mom tickets to the Sigma Freud mixer
THE BARN—You’ve heard about it everywhere. From your lab partners to strangers in the line of shooters, even the geeds are talking about...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 27, 20211 min read
In desperate last-ditch attempt to get laid, man paints nails black
DURHAM, NC—“I’ve tried everything,” sighed Michael James (T’ 23). Michael, who has even worn five-inch inseam shorts in an attempt to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 22, 20212 min read
“I found my people,” explains girl who changed her entire personality to fit in over zoom
DURHAM, NC—For Lauren Ziebler (Trinity ‘24), Bid Day provided a new home. “Even though I’d already met half of the sisters at Devine’s...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 18, 20211 min read
Rapper Flo Centi knew she should have dreamed bigger with her name
Staring wistfully out the window in her Atlanta home, local rapper Flo Centi sighed deeply as she placed her head into her hands. “I knew...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 18, 20211 min read
How to use dating apps when you hate any photo a man chooses of himself
DURHAM, NC—Have you seen too many pictures that are more fish than man? Are you starting to think cargo pants might not be so bad? Do you...
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The Fluke News Staff
Mar 30, 20211 min read
After watching “MONTERO” video, this heterosexual, women-loving Cru member has faith crisis
DURHAM, NC—Following a mention of the new Lil Nas X music video from his preacher, local cru member Jake had to see what all of the fuss...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 14, 20212 min read
In honor of Black History Month, sororities' rush themes to include "hip-hop" and "ACAB" days
HOLLOWS A—A sorority sister wearing a “Systemic racism sucks” shirt and earrings reading “White solidarity” opens the door as “Sicko...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 14, 20212 min read
Greek life asks all rushees to use "tú" in place of "usted" during informal rush
DURHAM, NC — This week, the Fluke News obtained an email sent out to male-identifying freshmen and sophomores about Greek Life’s informal...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 6, 20213 min read
The Fluke News Exclusive Interview with UNCVirginity
The University of North Carolina is ranked as one of the nation’s top schools in sending students home. However, UNC is currently...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 9, 20202 min read
Profile: Meet the Frat Boy who pledges to reform KKK from within
Charles “Charlie” Moran, 18, sits down at the interview in a casual, crystalline white hoodie and what appears to be an upside-down Cross...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 14, 20202 min read
The Great Equalizer: Ugly people in masks can now flirt with attractive people
THE UNITED STATES—All across our great nation, the lower class is rejoicing. The widespread expectation of masks has allowed for the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 17, 20202 min read
Asian mom breaks silence on anti-black racism: "You know I had it hard too, right?"
BAY AREA, CA—The recent protests on police brutality and anti-black racism have sparked many discussions in households across the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 25, 20201 min read
Pokemon Club most diverse on campus, has 807 different types
DURHAM, NC–In the war against tokenism, there is no braver soldier than Pikachu. The Duke Pokemon Club has proudly announced that they’ve...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 25, 20201 min read
PASH hosts session to pleasure you like your man never could
CLASSROOM BUILDING, EAST CAMPUS–Last Tuesday, PASH hosted a successful session to pleasure you like your man never could. In an attempt...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 18, 20201 min read
Girl adds joining a low-tier sorority to Volunteer section of resume
DURHAM, NC—This rush season, Jessica Glad, of the Glad trash bag fortune, felt like giving back. Rather than join the ranks of the Key...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 28, 20201 min read
Q&A: Mirecourt rushee excited to fear own living space
DURHAM, NC— As rush season concludes, Duke students are often left with questions regarding the process. How do deliberations work? Who...
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