Leading up to September 24, Duke students anticipated this year’s USNWR college rankings with bated breath. If Duke went up, they would know they have value as human beings. If it dropped, they’d know they’re worthless. The fated day arrived, and Duke students were ecstatic to see Duke had risen to #6. More importantly: Penn fell.
After taking a day off to text their (no longer) friends at UPenn about how Duke students are more important than Penn students and will be their bosses one day, Duke Health noticed an interesting phenomenon: on average, students were far happier and more confident. Of course, having a slightly higher ranking than last year is well known to boost mental health, but several psychologists noted this year’s increase was greater than expected because of the added benefit of beating yet another Ivy.
If you want to feel better about yourself after failing all your midterms, here are some tips and tricks so you, too, can brag about Duke’s ranking:
Timing is Everything: Find the right moment. Let it slip when someone mentions Penn, any other Ivies, any other colleges, numbers in general, or really anything else. Make sure to make your segue sound natural.
Use Visual Aids: Whip out your phone and show them a picture of the chapel. Print out the rankings and hand them out to people. Wear a #6 on your chest at all times. Make flyers, posters, and flags.
Don’t say the word Ivy: We’ve all been there. Bragging about how smart and talented you are for getting into Duke, only to have to spend half an hour saying “Well, it's basically an ivy. Ivy is just a sports league, trust me, it’s not about rankings. You know Stanford and MIT aren’t ivies either, right?? We’re ranked higher than most of the ivies anyway.” Avoiding the word Ivy as much as possible helps you avoid this situation and maintain your confidence.
Mention the schools you picked Duke over: People love to hear about the things you didn’t do almost as much as they love to hear about the things you did. Picked Duke over Berkeley? Everyone should know. Duke over Dartmouth? Your friends probably forgot, make sure to remind them. You can even throw in some schools you didn’t apply to but definitely would’ve gotten in if you tried. Tell people you got yield protected from Harvard and Princeton because you were too smart.
Studies have shown that bragging about Duke is healthy and safe, and you should do it as much as possible. Unbiased physician Wellaj Usted asserted that “participants who boasted about Duke’s ranking showed lower blood pressure levels and better overall mental health. We suspect it’s because they were too consumed by their own smugness to remember their problems.”
Whatever the reason, make sure that you brag incessantly to your friends about Duke’s ranking. You have a full year to be #6, make the most of it.
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