Op-ed: Am I toxic for chasing tour groups with sticks?

DURHAM, N.C.—These invasive tour group miscreants are bringing their pervasive vitality and youth with them when they visit, and I don’t like it.  

They’re walking around Duke as if they own the place, thinking they’ll be happy coming here. They walk around, do their Snapchats, and generally look happy. It's sickening. The interruption to my daily schedule of brooding and fatigue is not appreciated.

Hell, these imposters act so smug, feeling so proud of themselves and thinking they’re at the conclusion of some great movie. Their egos are so inflated that they think they are like gods, which they are not! They’re only delusional humans.

So, I’ve decided that it is my time to strike back at these little shits. With a stick in one hand and anger in my heart, I’ve decided to humble these tour groups, one by one. It may not be pretty, but it needs to be done.

Now, one could say this is “toxic” behavior and I am projecting my anger and disillusionment onto these kids, but I beg to differ. I think they need to be taught some respect. They need to know that this is my territory and that you don’t mess with the wolf.

Plus, I’m just getting them used to the true college experience, as any good Orientation Leader would do.