In effort to avoid grass, Duke to offer mudpatch

Durham, NC– Duke administration released a statement last Thursday, announcing that the Board of Trustees has become aware of growing complaints concerning Duke’s abundance of grass.

The statement reads, “We have heard your complaints: there’s too much grass. This has presented a distinct challenge for our blue-green colorblind community here at Duke. To curb this inequity, we are going to leave the sprinklers on all day, every day, with no exceptions. We hope that by creating a wet, muddy community, we can all finally gel together as a campus, much like worms on a wet, muddy day. Thank you for your patience as we work toward a safer and more equitable Duke community each and every day.”

Students who have complained about the sprinklers spraying them on stone walkways have been told to “get over it, snowflakes” and “grow-up, screenager.” And, indeed, they will have to get over it. “The mud is here to stay for the wellbeing of our blue-green colorblind students,” said Duke President Vincent Price, “until we develop the technology to create and sustain a desert environment.”