DURHAM, N.C.— Innovation is commonplace at Duke. The Duke community strives to uplift new ideas and graduate prepared to change the world. While pivotal breakthroughs often come from graduate students and professors, the brightest of ideas has recently come from one of the youngest members of the community.
During an Econ 101 lecture last Tuesday, Mark Whitterman (T ’28) proposed an idea that no one has ever thought of before. “What if instead of deporting struggling and financially desperate immigrants back to their countries, we place tariffs on them so America can be alpha?” Whitterman said.
According to an anonymous Econ 101 student, Whitterman looked to his left and right, pleased with himself and anticipating sudden mass social acceptance from his peers. Sure enough, the class erupted in applause and everyone started chanting, “MARK! MARK! MARK!” Many tears were shed that day.
Duke undergraduates have unanimously and eagerly backed Whitterman’s new policy. They’ve discussed the positive outcomes of enacting such a measure, one of which would be an increased trade surplus. “I’ve really been into surplus recently,” Whitterman said. He then proceeded to give a good old pat to his stomach and a chuckle.
Here at the Fluke, we’ve tried to delve further into Mark’s past before he became so popular, charming and witty. So we decided to talk to one of his fellow classmates on whom Mark left a lasting impression.“He told me to go back to my country,” says Diego Zimmerman (T ‘28). A strong proponent of the saying ‘actions speak louder than words,’ Whitterman even booked the flight for him.
Whitterman has since used his popularity to transcend into a full-fledged anti-immigrant rights activist. Students in Econ 101 have begun to call him Father Harisa, a name derived from his charitable activism comparable to that of Mother Teresa as well as his uncanny resemblance to Donald J. Trump.
Whitterman has been vocal about his plans to drop out and continue to make one-liners that change the course of American lives. “If Hawk Tuah and Fish Girl can last that long, I can last longer.”
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