DURHAM, NC — Duke University President Vincent Price announced on Saturday a new signature initiative aimed at constantly reminding humanity of the debt they owe the university for securing Ed Sheeran’s recent performance. Price told reporters, “Duke’s first 100 years have been stained with injustice yet infused with fearless improvement. Our next 100 years will be marked by Ed Sheeran.”
After conducting a search to fill the new role of Vice Provost on Ed Sheeran, President Price resolved that he was the only individual fit for the job, and has stepped readily into his new position. Vice Provost Price outlines two arms to his effort: rEminD and EDucate.
On the ‘rEminD’ agenda, Vice Provost Price explained excitedly that he will personally tear down statues of Duke’s controversial founding donor Washington B. Duke, replacing them with statues of the Grammy-winning Sheeran. The university will also replace the Duke Chapel’s stained glass depictions of Christ with images of Ed Sheeran and require that each WU vendor create a “Ginger Deal” incorporating the ingredient with which Sheeran is associated.
Price emphasizes, however, that future generations of the Duke community may be ignorant of the legendary concert, making ‘EDucation’ imperative. In an effort targeted at Duke’s incoming students, the university plans to rename its early admissions process, colloquially known as “ED,” to “ED SHEERAN.” Incoming faculty will be required to complete a module informing them of Sheeran’s success and subsequently complete a quiz ensuring comprehension, to be graded by Price himself.
Despite enthusiastic advocacy from the Vice Provost, certain reforms have become entangled in the Duke bureaucracy. These proposals include replacing Duke’s Alma Mater Dear Old Duke with Sheeran’s 2017 hit Shape of You, reallocating the Men’s Basketball budget to the Office of Ed Sheeran, and instituting a dress code that requires tattoos mirroring those of the performer.
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