DURHAM, NC — Beginning in the 2025 season, music for Duke’s football games will be provided by none other than the campus’s very own chapel. Duke Athletics recently unveiled the change in an effort to combat declining student section attendance.
“We feel that using the chapel bells to play popular tunes will inspire campus pride and motivate student turnout,” said Sho Upp, Duke’s Director of Wacko Engagement. He declined to comment on the correlation between football victories and claimed student tickets.
The setlist for games will include songs like “Mr. Brightside,” “FE!N,” “Mo Bamba,” and “Everytime We Touch.” In order to learn the music ahead of performances, the chapel bell musicians will hold weekly practices each Wednesday at 10 p.m.
Students have been encouraged to gather in Abele Quad at this time, since the closure of Wednesday night Shooters leaves the administration concerned about how they will release their pent-up going-out energy from the first half of the week (discussions are underway to line the area with massive heaters and relocate a small cow to campus for calf rides). The University promises that the new music will not disturb student sleep and will instead keep campus “hip” and “trendy” for “the youth” living on main quad.
However, recent attempts to play the songs have instead alarmed many on campus.
“It sounds like the Blue Devil is dying,” one horrified tour group commented. “Is that really supposed to hype students up?”
“I need to study for my orgo midterm, not listen to this racket,” added Perkins’ resident fourth-floor Pratt star. “Sue me for wanting to spend my time learning more valuable things than the rules of football.”
As part of the rollout, Duke Athletics has also indicated opportunities for fans to watch games from the top of the Chapel while banging on the bells themselves. Tickets will go to the highest bidder (with preference given to drunk alumni) in an effort to increase gameday revenue and fund scholarships that will lure better football players to the school.
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