Breaking: Shooters purchased by Duke to house COVID-positive students

DURHAM, NC—Kim Cates’s decision to shut down Shooters II may have been a surprise to many, but not to the Duke administration, who made a decision this week to purchase Shooters II Saloon to quarantine COVID positive students.

“Given how many COVID positive students frequent Shooters, we might as well quarantine them there too,” says Provost Sally Kornbluth, adding that the Shooters bus will be used to transport students to and from Durham’s hottest bar.

Students housed there have given favorable reviews of the space. Kyle Johnson, a senior with the Alpha Delta Phi fraternity who got the coveted spot in the cage, has this to say, “Getting to be in the cage without having to crawl up a sketchy elevated surface and dance awkwardly for 20 minutes is definitely better than the Hilton.”

At press time, sources report that the song Mr. Brightside can still be heard playing in students’ rooms every night around 2AM.

Editor’s note: Following the release of this press report, Kim Cates has reportedly asked her Facebook supporters to determine the identity of the leak.