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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20221 min read
SNU to look at familial assets instead of bands for party access
HAMPTONS, NY—Each blossoming school year brings with it the sweet promise of a more refined Duke. For SNU President William McKinsey,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20221 min read
Duke Climate Commitment just Vincent Price turning off lights, putting water bottle in the recycling
PAGE AUDITORIUM—Many have been wondering what exactly Duke’s “Climate Announcement” was about late last week. This reporter has...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 7, 20222 min read
Elephant really tired of being only one addressed in the room
PERKINS LIBRARY—For a student, becoming an elephant may seem advantageous, what with the personal trunk and ability to never forget. But...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 7, 20221 min read
Fraternity vows to reach carbon neutrality in response to hurricane canceling darty
DURHAM, NC––Hurricane Ian recently swept its way up the East coast, wrecking houses, property and people. The aforementioned victims,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 30, 20221 min read
New Five Dollar Deal is just Five Sazón Beans
DURHAM, NC—In response to student complaints about campus dining raising prices for smaller portions, Duke Dining administrators have...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 30, 20221 min read
Duke to Euthanize the Ugly Lemurs
DURHAM, NC—On Monday night, Duke Lemur Center Executive Director Greg Dye announced plans to euthanize the ugly lemurs, citing concerns...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 8, 20221 min read
India invades UK to help stabilize the country during turbulent time
LONDON, UK—After leading the British government for seven decades, Queen Elizabeth II’s passing has left some enormous shoes to fill. Not...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 8, 20221 min read
Rule of Threes! Thompson Writing Center Kills Peaches, Nugget, and Queen to Prove Literary Point
DURHAM, NC—As the new semester begins, Duke University’s Thompson Writing Center has excitedly announced their newest programming: the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 8, 20221 min read
C1 Bus Driver Executes Student Sipping Coffee: "They should have read the sign"
WEST CAMPUS BUS LOOP—As sophomore Josh Hinston sipped his Beyu Blue coffee and scrolled mindlessly on Tik Tok, he became confused when...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 5, 20220 min read
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 30, 20221 min read
Beach Week reveals several irreparable fissures in friend group
MYRTLE BEACH, SC—The day was May 1st and the night began as all did that week: with an Uber to SpanGalls (Daddy didn’t transfer enough...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 20, 20221 min read
"Omg LDOC is on 4/20" says girl who snitched on her roommate for smoking weed
DURHAM, NC—As the end of the semester approaches, excitement for LDOC is growing on campus. The all-day party hasn’t truly happened in...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 13, 20221 min read
Tik Tok set to release all drafts by noon
THE UNITED STATES—According to TikTok CEOs Kevin A. Mayer and Zhang Yiming, all drafts are set to be released at noon today. Every...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 13, 20221 min read
Oops! Someone's getting weeded out by a weed-out class!
BIOLOGICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—It was a quiet morning in BioSci 123. The hallowed halls echoed with the sound of 120 sleep-deprived,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 11, 20221 min read
“Only in New York” says person who’s lived in New York for two days
NEW YORK, N.Y.—After witnessing a homeless man politely asking for spare change—a common occurrence in any populated area of the United...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 11, 20221 min read
Mask mandate reinstated for ugly people
DURHAM, N.C.—Controversy arose on campus yesterday as Duke Administration announced that they would be reinstating the recently ended...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 11, 20221 min read
"For $200, I'll paint my nails," says man who's very comfortable with his masculinity
DURHAM, NC– In a stunning display of courage, [name redacted because their parents threatened to sue] Fraternity hosted an event to raise...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 11, 20221 min read
“If you liked the tour my name is David, if not, my name is Matt,” says tour guide with amnesia
DURHAM, NC—As visitors stood and laughed at the classic joke, tour guide Jerry Eastman (Trinity ‘23) stared in confusion at the chuckling...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 11, 20221 min read
"Wow, I thought duke was an Ivy!" says real prospective student, definitely not a paid actor
DURHAM, NC—“Wow! I cannot believe Duke isn’t an Ivy! It just looks and feels so much like Princeton,” whispered Ethan Morgenstein in a...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 10, 20220 min read
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