The Fluke News Staff
Trump Charged, Golden Hairs Stand On End
WASHINGTON, D.C—“It’s really not so bad,” former President Donald Trump bravely asserts as his electric shock collar is activated by...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20232 min read
Op-ed: Rooming with a man is a little gay
Last night, as I was laying in my bed, three feet from my roommate Josh Kolowski, I had the most horrifying realization: I had been...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20231 min read
Labradors from Duke Puppy Kindergarten unionize, cite 90-hour work weeks and not enough chew toys
DURHAM, N.C.—Emboldened by the success of labor movements nationwide, students in Duke’s Puppy Kindergarten have taken the first step...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20232 min read
Marjorie Taylor Greene handcuffs self to Capitol until Hunter Biden kills himself
WASHINGTON, D.C—Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA.) handcuffed herself to the flagpole atop the U.S. Capitol building earlier this...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20231 min read
Aww! Guy in ethics class will order drone strikes one day
DURHAM, N.C—By all accounts, Jonathan Fields (T ’24) is an active and enthusiastic participant in Duke’s Human Rights Advocacy course,...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20232 min read
Student drinks from water fountain with red filter, dies
DURHAM, NC – We are heartbroken to report the passing of Duke Student Gilbert Lozaklo (Trinity ‘24). We commemorate Gilbert as a driven...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 26, 20231 min read
Construction on literal consulting pipeline in Abele Quad nearing completion
DUKE UNIVERSITY—Foreman George Grylls reported to Duke Facilities Management staff that the B.T.P. (short for the ‘Big Three’ Pipeline)...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 25, 20232 min read
Duke lookalikes club disbands after no one can tell who the real president is
DURHAM, NC — Chaos has broken out within Duke’s premiere uncanny resemblance student organization after the true identity of President...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 25, 20231 min read
Cesarean Society Protests Vaginal Births
DURHAM, N.C.—Duke’s Cesarean Society held their annual protest against vaginal births this past weekend. The student...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 25, 20231 min read
The most annoying person you know just discovered Fred Again, decided DJing is his passion <3
WILSON GYM—Corporate America is tough, and as James (T’26) walks into Wilson to clock in for his self-proclaimed “eight-hour leg day” he...
The Fluke News Staff
Sep 29, 20231 min read
Feinstein staffers assure public they can still put a hand up her ass and make her mouth move
WASHINGTON—California Senator Dianne Feinstein, best known for being wheeled around and propped up during Senate votes–as well as her...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20231 min read
Duke Curling Achieves Perfect Perm
DURHAM, NC—The Duke Curling team achieved a perfect perm at their competition this past weekend, securing their win over Charlotte’s...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20232 min read
Duke Basketball Denies Demoralizing Guest Players with FunHouse Mirrors
CAMERON INDOOR STADIUM—Humiliation has been the name of the game for teams daring to make the trip to K-Ville this season, with the Duke...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20231 min read
“You Can Go But You Can Never Leave,” say the Eagles on parking in Blue Zone
PENN PAVILION—As acclaimed American Rock band the Eagles electrified Duke’s student body with an encore of “Heartache Tonight,” they...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20231 min read
“Like Trump all over again:” After Chase Barclay loss, campus Gingers scared for the future
DURHAM, N.C.—In politics, there are always disappointments. While the dust is still settling from the recent DSG elections, a major group...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20231 min read
The Tell-Tale Gill: Duke Gardens employee haunted by spirit of murdered Koi fish
DURHAM, NC—Duke Gardens caretakers report feeling as though “20 fishy eyes” are constantly watching them in the weeks following the...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20231 min read
Following spree of food poisonings, Il Forno renamed to ILL Forno
DURHAM, NC—Upon returning to campus after Spring Break, students were greeted with the same familiar overpriced Italian cuisine, now...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20231 min read
Impressive! Duke student says Durham residents don’t scare them anymore
DURHAM, NC—Like many of her peers, Marlene Anderson (Trinity ‘24) has been enjoying the Duke bubble and all its exclusivity ever since...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20231 min read
Study finds average Duke student 83% more morally questionable than advertised in their Common App
DURHAM, NC—Duke sociologists released the results of a study focusing on the morals of the university’s undergraduate population....
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 4, 20232 min read
“I’ve come a long way:” student reflects on victory in ejaculation competition.
DURHAM, NC—There exist various activities through which young men on Duke’s campus get to loosen the pressure valve on their pent-up...
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