The Fluke News Staff
Professor reveals he mixes up non-white students because of dementia, not racism
DURHAM, N.C.—When Professor Salisbury began the 2023 Fall Semester, he made sure to set his students’ expectations with a minor change to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Professor shares totally appropriate anecdote about his marriage
DURHAM, N.C.—As cuffing season ramps up, many students are looking for hope and advice in the relationship sphere. Thankfully, professors...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Sinkhole swallows prospective student tour group on Abele Quad, new fence goes up
DURHAM, N.C.—Prospective students got an exclusive look at Duke’s ground(s) after a sinkhole on Abele Quad swallowed them whole. The...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Student Studying Urban Sprawl Drives Car to East
BLUE ZONE—Duke students are world-renowned for the ways their passionate activism creates positive change. A brave group of students have...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Student who took out second loan ecstatic to crank Duke Arts boxes that play fifteen seconds of music
DURHAM, N.C.—Starting last week, Duke students walking along the Bryan Center Plaza were greeted by large magenta Duke Arts boxes that...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Duke introduces new KYS initiative after CAPS therapists unionize
DURHAM, N.C.—In response to CAPS counselors voting to unionize last Thursday, the university has introduced the new Keep Youth Smiling...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Duke finally beats Ivies… in income inequality
DURHAM, N.C.—Elite universities around the country have been looking for new ways to one-up the top-tier Ivy institutions. Though Duke...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Duke adds 28 more stops to C-1 in effort to make commutes longer
DURHAM, N.C.—The “ding” of the C-1 stop request may be the soundtrack of student nightmares, but Duke is determined to let the buses...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 182 min read
Club Fishing investigated after Key Member of Duke Swim goes Missing
DURHAM, NC – Duke Club Fishing’s president Derek Droughning (‘24) has recently become the prime suspect in the disappearance of Mina...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
CIA places Iranian Ayatollah’s hand in bowl of warm water in effort to start profitable prank war
TEHRAN—Ayatollah Ali Khamenei woke up in a state of confusion last Sunday morning upon discovering his sheets were unexpectedly wet....
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 182 min read
Duke CAPS hires specialist for people who forgot their headphones this morning
DURHAM, N.C.—As more students face the traumatic roar of ambient noise and human voices, Duke CAPS takes steps to help, hiring a...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 182 min read
Back to its roots: Wayne announces Vietnam Vets will receive bands to Waynestock
DURHAM, NC—As the seasons turn and the warm winds of summer leave us once more, frats and “seriously guys we’re not a frat”s eagerly...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 182 min read
Anxious cannibal wants to bite your nails
BETHLEHEM, PA—Our world seems to be in constant chaos. Wars, fires, floods, coups; the news cycle feeds us tragedy after tragedy. For...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Conservative NC lawmakers ban TransLoc, to be replaced with CisLoc
DURHAM, N.C.—Tension grew in the Durham City Hall last Tuesday evening after a small but vocal minority of conservative council members...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Ciceronian Society hosts re-education seminars following mandatory diversity training
DURHAM, N.C.—After a mandatory Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging training module, the Ciceronian Society has decided to host counter...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 182 min read
Did she ghost me or does she lack object permanence?
Ever since I locked eyes with my fair Juliet on the throbbing dance floor of Shooters, kissed her sweet vodka-scented lips in an ecstasy...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Girl who texted back “sorry, just saw this!” isn’t lying
DURHAM, N.C.—Confusion erupted among students this Tuesday following an unorthodox subversion of social norms by Tina Roberts (P ‘23) in...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
March Madness just regular ol’ March for local sleep paralysis demon
TARTARUS, HELL—Glarkkon the Devourer, an eons-long resident of the Endless Abyss, is hyped for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament after...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Op-ed: Am I toxic for chasing tour groups with sticks?
DURHAM, N.C.—These invasive tour group miscreants are bringing their pervasive vitality and youth with them when they visit, and I don’t...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 181 min read
Students haunted by Burger King "Whopper” commercial during midterms
DUKE UNIVERSITY— As Burg Erkin (Pratt ‘26) sat down to take his Physics 151 midterm, he reports he heard the sound of funky grooves and a...
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