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The Fluke News Staff
Aug 31, 20201 min read
Breaking: The students playing spikeball on the quad are paid actors
DURHAM, NC—It’s impossible to miss. Every time you try to walk to WU or go to class, they’re there. Always wearing masks, rarely wearing...
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The Fluke News Staff
Aug 26, 20201 min read
UNC: Not that safe for a safety school
CHAPEL HILL, NC—In a shocking turn of events, after testing no students and refusing to enforce coronavirus guidelines, the University of...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jul 19, 20202 min read
Duke renames Tallman Trask III "Black Lives Matter III" as new anti-racism initiative
DURHAM, NC—Following in the footsteps of organizations who have changed their previously racist names, President Price announced today...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jul 17, 20201 min read
Duke Researchers Discover Promising Method for Shutting Off Pain in the Human Brain: Meth
DURHAM, NC—After years of split testing, clinical trials, and car mufflers just “disappearing”, researchers in the Duke School of...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jul 11, 20201 min read
Op-Ed: Wait, they're deporting white students too?
When I first heard that ICE is planning to deport international students who are not taking in-person classes this Fall, I was...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jul 8, 20201 min read
Op-ed: Duke must protect international students, except for Winston Yau—fuck that guy
HONG KONG—The Duke community has rallied around fighting for international students to be able to study online from abroad without losing...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jul 4, 20201 min read
Op-Ed: We should have reformed Central Campus, not abolished it
DURHAM, NC—I’ll admit, Central Campus had some problems. Maybe the buildings were too old-fashioned, maybe the campus took up too much of...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jul 1, 20202 min read
Long distance hack: Break up
LAS VEGAS, NV—So it’s been three months since you saw your boyfriend. You were madly in love in March, of course, except for when he...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 28, 20201 min read
Win for natural selection: Duke replaces quarantine dorms with guillotine
DURHAM, NC—I hope none of you are coughing, because for the fall 2020 semester, all students showing symptoms of COVID-19 will face the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 24, 20201 min read
Lesser-known Roman Life only living community that gets to keep section
KILGO QUAD—As fraternities, sororities, and SLGs all over campus are meeting to discuss their plans without housing next year, one living...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 22, 20201 min read
Duke baseball players somehow still coming up on Bumble
MY HOMETOWN, IL—While at Duke, I was shocked by how often one of the baseball players would come up on Bumble. Every other swipe was a...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 18, 20201 min read
Christian Bale gains 5000 pounds to play Appa in Avatar: The Last Airbender live-action
BRENTWOOD, LA—Every morning, a slowly ballooning Christian Bale snores gently beside an enormous pile of cabbages before being awoken by...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 17, 20202 min read
Asian mom breaks silence on anti-black racism: "You know I had it hard too, right?"
BAY AREA, CA—The recent protests on police brutality and anti-black racism have sparked many discussions in households across the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 17, 20201 min read
Duke to drop SAT/ACT requirements, will now just judge students on net worth
DURHAM, NC—Following in the steps of the University of California, Duke has joined the new movement to waive the SAT/ACT requirement,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 11, 20201 min read
Duke to announce new fall sport: Virtue Signalling
CAMERON INDOOR—In the midst of Black Lives Matter dominating social media feeds, Duke has done what it does best: profit off of black...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 11, 20201 min read
Op-ed: What's the point of Duke if I can't have massive orgies?
DURHAM, NC—As Duke announces its plans to bring students to campus amidst the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic, all students should question...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 11, 20201 min read
“Socially liberal, fiscally conservative” student supports giving billions of dollars to police
CLEARWATER, FL—Sophomore John Schidt, who describes himself as “fiscally conservative and socially liberal,” recently described his...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jun 3, 20202 min read
Adorable: White liberal thinks voting out Trump will end racism
DURHAM, NC—In a moment guaranteed to make you say “awwww”, local white liberal Paul James recently voiced some groundbreaking advice for...
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The Fluke News Staff
May 27, 20202 min read
Activist a little too excited to share video of black man being murdered by police
DURHAM, NC—When Kelsey Miller, a local self-described “activist” saw the horrible video of George Floyd being murdered by the police...
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The Fluke News Staff
May 19, 20201 min read
Study: 90% of pfrosh-founded nonprofits implode 2 weeks after Duke acceptance
DURHAM, NC—What happens to the numerous high school student-run non-profits after they matriculate? It turns out that most such...
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