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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 2, 20211 min read
CAPS to offer lobotomies
DURHAM, NC—In a 5-4 vote, Duke CAPS decided to finally try to help the Duke student body improve their mental health in a monumental,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 2, 20211 min read
Breaking: Duke Outing club releases list of LGBTQ students
AL BUEHLER TRAIL, NC—This week, Gina Smith (T ’23), an avid hiking enthusiast, was shocked to discover that the Duke Outing club was not...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 2, 20212 min read
Datemyprofessor.com comes out just in time for 2nd round of exams
DURHAM, NC— In a move that will probably have significant legal ramifications, the Academic Deans have announced that they have greenlit...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 2, 20211 min read
HRL Explains Quad-Ex: “It’s like Hogwarts but without literally anything that makes Hogwarts cool"
DURHAM, NC—In response to questions and concerns about Duke’s new Quad-Ex system from both students and faculty, HRL recently sent out an...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 21, 20211 min read
The only reason the chapel is so big is because it has no natural predators
Durham, NC—We all know about the Duke Chapel. It’s the Chapel that’s at Duke. It glows at night. Other things. It’s that nice pretty...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 21, 20211 min read
Plan B included in new student dining plan
DURHAM, NC—Duke University has proposed new measures to curve accelerating college pregnancy rates. After having to implement...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 21, 20211 min read
Faculty all laid off, to be replaced by guest series
WEST CAMPUS—With Parents’ Weekend coming up and grass costs rising astronomically, Duke has made the difficult decision to fire all...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20211 min read
Who is this? Asks mom every time you show her a TikTok
DURHAM, NC—An innocent child wants to share a meme with her mother. Little does she know which fatal question is to come. This is the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20211 min read
In effort to prevent on-campus sexual assault, Duke bans women
ABELE QUAD, NC—This evening, Duke Administrators announced a new policy to combat sexual assault on campus by banning women from campus....
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20212 min read
Celebrity sighting! Overly active member of class GroupMe spotted across the quad
ABELE QUAD—Cameras were flashing and cell phones were buzzing last Friday afternoon after campus celebrity Carson Hamby (Pratt ‘24) was...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 19, 20211 min read
HRL cuts their losses, burns down 300 Swift
DURHAM, NC—After reports of floors collapsing in the luxury apartment complex 300 Swift, Duke HRL has taken swift action to investigate...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 17, 20212 min read
Poli-Sci major enlightens international student about his own country
SOUTHGATE COMMONS—Gerardo Lionel Castillo (Pratt ’25) had not expected to learn about his home country when he came to Duke. The freshman...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 11, 20211 min read
Duke to celebrate Grandparents Weekend amid surge of student pregnancies
DUKE CAMPUS—Duke Student Affairs released a statement renaming their annual Parents Weekend to Grandparents Weekend following the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 11, 20211 min read
Girl really making sure everyone can see her fawn over Nugget
PENN PAVILION—After returning from an arduously long fall break, Jessica Short (Trinity ‘25) was excited to return to her semester long...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 3, 20212 min read
International student doesn't show up to Student Affairs to verify arrival, gets deported
DURHAM, NC—Ashwin Patel (Trinity ‘25) had already been pushed off the fourth C1 bus in a row and was on the brink of tears about missing...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 3, 20211 min read
Bear loose in Broadhead Center; Administration to release Duke Bear Response Plan shortly
CROUCHING UNDER A BENCH OUTSIDE WU—A brown bear has been spotted roaming around Duke University’s West Campus. Its current whereabouts...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 1, 20212 min read
God admits Chapel Hill was a mistake, plans flood
CHAPEL HILL, NC—On Wednesday, September 23, 2021, Father Scott O’McSullihan received a surprise guest at confession at local parish, Our...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 27, 20211 min read
In desperate last-ditch attempt to get laid, man paints nails black
DURHAM, NC—“I’ve tried everything,” sighed Michael James (T’ 23). Michael, who has even worn five-inch inseam shorts in an attempt to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 25, 20211 min read
Geez, get a life! Class of 2020 flocks to campus for "commencement"
ABELE QUAD, NC—After nearly two years of coronavirus restrictions, the Duke Class of 2020 returns to Durham for “Commencement” this...
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The Fluke News Staff
Sep 22, 20212 min read
“I found my people,” explains girl who changed her entire personality to fit in over zoom
DURHAM, NC—For Lauren Ziebler (Trinity ‘24), Bid Day provided a new home. “Even though I’d already met half of the sisters at Devine’s...
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