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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 25, 20242 min read
Duke students deemed enemies of democracy after revelation that 0% of current undergrads voted in pivotal 2000 election
DURHAM, N.C.—A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center sent shockwaves through Duke’s campus. According to the nonpartisan fact...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 20242 min read
White guy with buzzcut and zero self-awareness afraid of people finding out he's Republican
DURHAM, N.C.—While Jackson Reagan (P ‘27) loves a lot of things about Duke, he takes issue with one tiny aspect of the school. “When I...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 20242 min read
Nope, not touching it: Stuff is probably going down in the Middle East but we’re applying for jobs
DURHAM, N.C.—Alarming reports have been pouring in for over a year now that there are things currently happening in the Middle East. More...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 20241 min read
Marxist student receives Laundrymen service
DURHAM, N.C.—While not studying for his economics classes, Max Lennon (T ‘26) can often be found on campus perusing various leftist...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 6, 20242 min read
Toddlers flock to swing states with promise of playground fun
HARRISBURG, PA — As the election rapidly approaches, countless reports have emerged of toddlers escaping the grasps of their parents and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20241 min read
University builds tent for DKU students after Epworth pipe burst
DURHAM, N.C.— A recent pipe burst in Epworth Residence Hall left dozens of DKU students without a home just days before the start of...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20241 min read
Student Nominated for Oscar After Mastering “Forgot My Wallet” Face at Hurricane Relief Table
DURHAM, N.C.—Emilio Branson (T ‘26) was nominated for an Academy Award after a gut-wrenchingly beautiful performance of “I Forgot My...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20241 min read
Ex-racist Duke student found ‘not guilty’ after reporting having Black neighbors
DURHAM, N.C.—Following a three-week trial surrounding the claim that he is racist, Chad Gates (T ‘27) was released last Monday after a...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
Biden Declares Intention to be Obama's Running Mate
WASHINGTON D.C.– President Joseph R. Biden officially confirmed last night that he was former President Barack Obama’s vice president and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
“They fixed it all”: Duke Provost’s Forum on the Middle East prompts United Nations to disband
NEW YORK, NY—The Secretary-General of the United Nations, António Guterres, has announced the dissolution of the nearly eight-decade-old...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jul 22, 20242 min read
Biden drops out, of a coconut tree and forgets the context from which he came
SOMEWHERE ON AN ISLAND FAR, FAR AWAY— President Joseph Biden has come tumbling down a 40-foot coconut tree as reported last night by...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20242 min read
"Christian Girl Autumn" bashed for discrimination, replaced with ‘Non-denominational Person Harvest’
DURHAM, N.C.—The internet trend known as “Christian Girl Autumn” will no longer be celebrated at Duke University due to discrimination,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Student Studying Urban Sprawl Drives Car to East
BLUE ZONE—Duke students are world-renowned for the ways their passionate activism creates positive change. A brave group of students have...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
CIA places Iranian Ayatollah’s hand in bowl of warm water in effort to start profitable prank war
TEHRAN—Ayatollah Ali Khamenei woke up in a state of confusion last Sunday morning upon discovering his sheets were unexpectedly wet....
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Conservative NC lawmakers ban TransLoc, to be replaced with CisLoc
DURHAM, N.C.—Tension grew in the Durham City Hall last Tuesday evening after a small but vocal minority of conservative council members...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Trump Charged, Golden Hairs Stand On End
WASHINGTON, D.C—“It’s really not so bad,” former President Donald Trump bravely asserts as his electric shock collar is activated by...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20231 min read
Labradors from Duke Puppy Kindergarten unionize, cite 90-hour work weeks and not enough chew toys
DURHAM, N.C.—Emboldened by the success of labor movements nationwide, students in Duke’s Puppy Kindergarten have taken the first step...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20232 min read
Marjorie Taylor Greene handcuffs self to Capitol until Hunter Biden kills himself
WASHINGTON, D.C—Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA.) handcuffed herself to the flagpole atop the U.S. Capitol building earlier this...
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The Fluke News Staff
Nov 7, 20231 min read
Aww! Guy in ethics class will order drone strikes one day
DURHAM, N.C—By all accounts, Jonathan Fields (T ’24) is an active and enthusiastic participant in Duke’s Human Rights Advocacy course,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 25, 20231 min read
Cesarean Society Protests Vaginal Births
DURHAM, N.C.—Duke’s Cesarean Society held their annual protest against vaginal births this past weekend. The student...
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