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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
Duke to hire male interpreters for female speakers to repeat what they just said but louder
ABELE QUAD—As the class of 2024 don their gowns and prepares to toss their caps in the air, John Dawson (T ‘23, summa cum laude) noticed...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
Everyone in seminar thrilled to hear 15-minute discussion between one student and professor
DURHAM, N.C.— On Tuesday morning, in “The Natural History of Economics and Philosophical Thought in Western France,” a 12-person seminar...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Heartwarming: East Campus pickleball player discovers a second hobby
DURHAM, N.C.— Anyone who has walked by Duke East Campus tennis courts literally one time ever knows that they are used for one thing and...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
Op-Ed: I am cold
DURHAM, N.C.—The crisp mornings and the advent of dusk as the clock approaches 6:00 pm is a clear sign that fall is upon us. Thinking...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Paranormal occurrences: Three blonde men in one room
DURHAM, N.C.—Halloween may be over, but you can still find proof that spirits wander the Earth. Just recently, three blonde men were...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
President Price announces he will make construction less of an eyesore by switching Duke’s colors to orange and black
DURHAM, N.C.—The recent invasion of fluorescent cones and bulldozers on Duke’s campus has prompted a shocking rebrand for the university....
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
President Price legalizes marijuana in bid for re-election
DURHAM, N.C.—As the 2024 election cycle is upon us, President Price is grasping for straws to appeal to the progressive caucuses in...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Professor reveals he mixes up non-white students because of dementia, not racism
DURHAM, N.C.—When Professor Salisbury began the 2023 Fall Semester, he made sure to set his students’ expectations with a minor change to...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Professor shares totally appropriate anecdote about his marriage
DURHAM, N.C.—As cuffing season ramps up, many students are looking for hope and advice in the relationship sphere. Thankfully, professors...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Sinkhole swallows prospective student tour group on Abele Quad, new fence goes up
DURHAM, N.C.—Prospective students got an exclusive look at Duke’s ground(s) after a sinkhole on Abele Quad swallowed them whole. The...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Student Studying Urban Sprawl Drives Car to East
BLUE ZONE—Duke students are world-renowned for the ways their passionate activism creates positive change. A brave group of students have...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Student who took out second loan ecstatic to crank Duke Arts boxes that play fifteen seconds of music
DURHAM, N.C.—Starting last week, Duke students walking along the Bryan Center Plaza were greeted by large magenta Duke Arts boxes that...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Duke introduces new KYS initiative after CAPS therapists unionize
DURHAM, N.C.—In response to CAPS counselors voting to unionize last Thursday, the university has introduced the new Keep Youth Smiling...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Duke finally beats Ivies… in income inequality
DURHAM, N.C.—Elite universities around the country have been looking for new ways to one-up the top-tier Ivy institutions. Though Duke...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Duke adds 28 more stops to C-1 in effort to make commutes longer
DURHAM, N.C.—The “ding” of the C-1 stop request may be the soundtrack of student nightmares, but Duke is determined to let the buses...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
Club Fishing investigated after Key Member of Duke Swim goes Missing
DURHAM, NC – Duke Club Fishing’s president Derek Droughning (‘24) has recently become the prime suspect in the disappearance of Mina...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
Duke CAPS hires specialist for people who forgot their headphones this morning
DURHAM, N.C.—As more students face the traumatic roar of ambient noise and human voices, Duke CAPS takes steps to help, hiring a...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
Back to its roots: Wayne announces Vietnam Vets will receive bands to Waynestock
DURHAM, NC—As the seasons turn and the warm winds of summer leave us once more, frats and “seriously guys we’re not a frat”s eagerly...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
Ciceronian Society hosts re-education seminars following mandatory diversity training
DURHAM, N.C.—After a mandatory Diversity, Inclusion, and Belonging training module, the Ciceronian Society has decided to host counter...
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
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
March Madness just regular ol’ March for local sleep paralysis demon
TARTARUS, HELL—Glarkkon the Devourer, an eons-long resident of the Endless Abyss, is hyped for the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament after...
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