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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
5 Ways To Introduce Your Situationship When You Run into Them With This Parents Weekend
DURHAM, N.C. — Worried about running into that not-so-special someone when your parents come to visit this weekend? We’ve all been there....
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The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
“Main character” who thought nighttime escape was accompanied by soundtrack disappointed to find themself on stationary BC plaza bike
DURHAM, NC — Duke student is “traumatized” after attempting to flee from an attacker by bike, only to find themself atop a stationary BC...
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The Fluke News Staff
Apr 1, 20243 min read
After 119 Years, The Chronicle to Disband
It all started in 1905. The first report, the first interview, and, eventually, even the first-ever divisive opinion piece. For the past...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 20242 min read
Progressive! 68% of fraternity members believe same-sex kissing is fine, as long as it’s between two straight girls at one of their parties
DURHAM, N.C.—In an unprecedentedly progressive effort to “bring the rainbow” to Greek life, Alpha Delta Phi (ADPhi) opened its arms to...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 20242 min read
Marine Lab Sees Increase in Applications from Confused ROTC Students
BEAUFORT, NC—Stephen Toth, Director of the Duke Marine Lab, reports a high number of ROTC students applying to the Duke Marine Lab for...
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The Fluke News Staff
Feb 6, 20242 min read
"No way to prevent this:" Student drowns in Abele Quad puddle
ABELE QUAD, DUKE UNIVERSITY—Adding to the dreariness and depression brought on by the most recent round of storms to hit campus, Kent...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20242 min read
"Christian Girl Autumn" bashed for discrimination, replaced with ‘Non-denominational Person Harvest’
DURHAM, N.C.—The internet trend known as “Christian Girl Autumn” will no longer be celebrated at Duke University due to discrimination,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
A Capella Group “The Pitchforks” renamed “The Pitchspoons” to be more well-rounded
DURHAM, N.C.—Award-winning campus acapella group “The Pitchforks” decided last Saturday after a lively– and, at times, violent– Town...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Baseball player loses his daily hat; what happens now?
DURHAM, N.C.—Tragedy struck Duke Athletics this past weekend when baseball player Todd Kernel (T ’25) lost his daily hat in a horrifying...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20242 min read
Duke pledges $1 million for made free throw, “randomly selects” 90 year old English Professor
DURHAM, N.C.—The half-court challenge is a staple of the basketball game experience. Perfectly in line with the American ideals of an...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Duke researchers find you’re the only one on campus struggling
DURHAM, N.C.—A recently published study by researchers at the Duke Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences found that you, the...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Duke to roll out artificial friend groups alongside artificial turf
DURHAM, N.C.— As climate awareness has grown over the past decade, sports fields across the country have gradually switched from thirsty...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Duke In Madrid student horrified to learn Spanish women are not into Americans
“¿Cómo están chicas?” bellowed out Todd Barker (T ‘25) as he walked through the Madrid Airport. Finally beginning his semester abroad,...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Golden Retriever Boyfriend Sent Upstate
DURHAM, N.C.—When Melissa Peterson (P ‘24) came home late one Friday night, she was disappointed not to see Cooper (No one knows) hanging...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
In rare act of compassion, Vincent Price offers to lick away students' tears
DURHAM, N.C.—In a campus-wide email on Wednesday, Duke President Vincent Price acknowledged the emotional toil finals put upon students...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Mathematicians struggle to derive formula for calculating the Duke Difference
DURHAM, N.C.—Duke mathematics faculty may be well-versed in number theory and tanking the GPAs of undergraduates, but there’s one problem...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Op-ed: Sometimes it’s better to pretend it’s Nutella
We’ve all been there: so eager to relieve ourselves as we hurry to the restroom only to be greeted by a Jackson Pollock image of brown on...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Sazón introduces new lottery system in attempt to limit diners and curb crowds
WEST UNION— Duke’s study-abroad caps received such widespread support that Sazón has introduced a similar lottery system to limit its...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
Temperatures drop, top one-percenters can now social signal with a sweater tied around their neck
DURHAM, N.C.—Dropping temperatures in North Carolina have prompted many Duke students to transition to warmer clothing, while...
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The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
Duke releases Latinx students from Bryan Center Basement for Hispanic Heritage Month
LA CASA, BRYAN CENTER— During the early morning hours of September 15th, 2023, students looked in awe as President Price marched down the...
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