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Econ major points out that if you were to then you probably could systemize as long as you do and account for that
DURHAM, N.C. — If there’s one takeaway every Duke student has during their time in University, it is the grandeur of the Econ major....
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 25, 20241 min read
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Duke students deemed enemies of democracy after revelation that 0% of current undergrads voted in pivotal 2000 election
DURHAM, N.C.—A recent study conducted by the Pew Research Center sent shockwaves through Duke’s campus. According to the nonpartisan fact...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 25, 20242 min read
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White guy with buzzcut and zero self-awareness afraid of people finding out he's Republican
DURHAM, N.C.—While Jackson Reagan (P ‘27) loves a lot of things about Duke, he takes issue with one tiny aspect of the school. “When I...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 20242 min read
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RAs hold baked goods for freshman in new Hansel and Gretel scheme
DURHAM, N.C.— Following Tuesday’s school-wide Residential Assistant (RA) assembly, a new plan has been announced to foster a familial...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 20242 min read
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Pretentious much? This “guy” says he “read” a “whole book” for “fun”
DURHAM, N.C.—Due to the prevailing stereotype that Duke students are smug, haughty, upper-class young people, many students have gone to...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 20242 min read
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Meet “Misery Lot,” parking for the proletariat
DURHAM, N.C.—Even the grubbiest little freshman is familiar with “Miracle Lot,” the collection of notoriously elusive parking spaces at...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 20242 min read
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Marxist student receives Laundrymen service
DURHAM, N.C.—While not studying for his economics classes, Max Lennon (T ‘26) can often be found on campus perusing various leftist...
The Fluke News Staff
Nov 10, 20241 min read
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Students desperately try to piece together professor’s life from 3 second flashes of their YouTube recommendations
DURHAM, N.C.—To most of her students, Spanish Professor Jennifer Hart is an enigma. While most professors mention some biographical...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 24, 20241 min read
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Project Wild freshmen instructed not to shower all semester
DURHAM, NC—Controversy arose last night after a whistleblower leaked secret instructions from Project Wild orientation leaders, telling...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 23, 20242 min read
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Get this on video!: Student rides BC Plaza bikes
DURHAM, NC — This past Thursday, a great phenomenon that stands unmatched in Duke’s history occurred on the now-monumental Bryan Center...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 22, 20242 min read
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Duke ID Replaced by Duke Ego
DURHAM, NC—On Wednesday, Vincent Price stood proudly alongside Duke psychology professor Ligmund Sneud on the concrete platform of BC...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 21, 20242 min read
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Depressed student surprised to get his picture taken: “Oh you meant THAT kind of chapel headshot"
DURHAM, N.C.—Mass confusion has spread around campus after several students who intended to contact Duke Chapel Headshots—a professional...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 21, 20242 min read
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University builds tent for DKU students after Epworth pipe burst
DURHAM, N.C.— A recent pipe burst in Epworth Residence Hall left dozens of DKU students without a home just days before the start of...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20241 min read
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Telling your friends that Duke is ranked over Penn is good for you. Here's how to do it best.
Leading up to September 24, Duke students anticipated this year’s USNWR college rankings with bated breath. If Duke went up, they would...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
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Student Nominated for Oscar After Mastering “Forgot My Wallet” Face at Hurricane Relief Table
DURHAM, N.C.—Emilio Branson (T ‘26) was nominated for an Academy Award after a gut-wrenchingly beautiful performance of “I Forgot My...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20241 min read
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MLB Postseason underway, your annoying roommate sucks even more now
It’s the middle of the Championship Series. Unfortunately, your New York roommate can’t stop talking about how he really wants to see the...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
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Ex-racist Duke student found ‘not guilty’ after reporting having Black neighbors
DURHAM, N.C.—Following a three-week trial surrounding the claim that he is racist, Chad Gates (T ‘27) was released last Monday after a...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20241 min read
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Econ 101 student suggests placing tariffs on deported immigrants to maximize trade surplus
DURHAM, N.C.— Innovation is commonplace at Duke. The Duke community strives to uplift new ideas and graduate prepared to change the...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
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Duke announces plan to brag about Ed Sheeran concert for the next 100 years
DURHAM, NC — Duke University President Vincent Price announced on Saturday a new signature initiative aimed at constantly reminding...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
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Bikes on BC Plaza make statement that cycling infrastructure is in fact going nowhere
DURHAM, NC—In a win for mobility advocates on campus, stationary bikes have been installed on Bryan Center Plaza. Duke University has...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
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5 Ways To Introduce Your Situationship When You Run into Them With This Parents Weekend
DURHAM, N.C. — Worried about running into that not-so-special someone when your parents come to visit this weekend? We’ve all been there....
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
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“Main character” who thought nighttime escape was accompanied by soundtrack disappointed to find themself on stationary BC plaza bike
DURHAM, NC — Duke student is “traumatized” after attempting to flee from an attacker by bike, only to find themself atop a stationary BC...
The Fluke News Staff
Oct 20, 20242 min read
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After 119 Years, The Chronicle to Disband
It all started in 1905. The first report, the first interview, and, eventually, even the first-ever divisive opinion piece. For the past...
The Fluke News Staff
Apr 1, 20243 min read
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Progressive! 68% of fraternity members believe same-sex kissing is fine, as long as it’s between two straight girls at one of their parties
DURHAM, N.C.—In an unprecedentedly progressive effort to “bring the rainbow” to Greek life, Alpha Delta Phi (ADPhi) opened its arms to...
The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 20242 min read
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Marine Lab Sees Increase in Applications from Confused ROTC Students
BEAUFORT, NC—Stephen Toth, Director of the Duke Marine Lab, reports a high number of ROTC students applying to the Duke Marine Lab for...
The Fluke News Staff
Feb 26, 20242 min read
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"No way to prevent this:" Student drowns in Abele Quad puddle
ABELE QUAD, DUKE UNIVERSITY—Adding to the dreariness and depression brought on by the most recent round of storms to hit campus, Kent...
The Fluke News Staff
Feb 6, 20242 min read
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"Christian Girl Autumn" bashed for discrimination, replaced with ‘Non-denominational Person Harvest’
DURHAM, N.C.—The internet trend known as “Christian Girl Autumn” will no longer be celebrated at Duke University due to discrimination,...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20242 min read
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A Capella Group “The Pitchforks” renamed “The Pitchspoons” to be more well-rounded
DURHAM, N.C.—Award-winning campus acapella group “The Pitchforks” decided last Saturday after a lively– and, at times, violent– Town...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Baseball player loses his daily hat; what happens now?
DURHAM, N.C.—Tragedy struck Duke Athletics this past weekend when baseball player Todd Kernel (T ’25) lost his daily hat in a horrifying...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Duke pledges $1 million for made free throw, “randomly selects” 90 year old English Professor
DURHAM, N.C.—The half-court challenge is a staple of the basketball game experience. Perfectly in line with the American ideals of an...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20242 min read
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Duke researchers find you’re the only one on campus struggling
DURHAM, N.C.—A recently published study by researchers at the Duke Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences found that you, the...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Duke to roll out artificial friend groups alongside artificial turf
DURHAM, N.C.— As climate awareness has grown over the past decade, sports fields across the country have gradually switched from thirsty...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Duke In Madrid student horrified to learn Spanish women are not into Americans
“¿Cómo están chicas?” bellowed out Todd Barker (T ‘25) as he walked through the Madrid Airport. Finally beginning his semester abroad,...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Golden Retriever Boyfriend Sent Upstate
DURHAM, N.C.—When Melissa Peterson (P ‘24) came home late one Friday night, she was disappointed not to see Cooper (No one knows) hanging...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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In rare act of compassion, Vincent Price offers to lick away students' tears
DURHAM, N.C.—In a campus-wide email on Wednesday, Duke President Vincent Price acknowledged the emotional toil finals put upon students...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Mathematicians struggle to derive formula for calculating the Duke Difference
DURHAM, N.C.—Duke mathematics faculty may be well-versed in number theory and tanking the GPAs of undergraduates, but there’s one problem...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Op-ed: Sometimes it’s better to pretend it’s Nutella
We’ve all been there: so eager to relieve ourselves as we hurry to the restroom only to be greeted by a Jackson Pollock image of brown on...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Sazón introduces new lottery system in attempt to limit diners and curb crowds
WEST UNION— Duke’s study-abroad caps received such widespread support that Sazón has introduced a similar lottery system to limit its...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Temperatures drop, top one-percenters can now social signal with a sweater tied around their neck
DURHAM, N.C.—Dropping temperatures in North Carolina have prompted many Duke students to transition to warmer clothing, while...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 19, 20241 min read
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Duke releases Latinx students from Bryan Center Basement for Hispanic Heritage Month
LA CASA, BRYAN CENTER— During the early morning hours of September 15th, 2023, students looked in awe as President Price marched down the...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
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Duke to hire male interpreters for female speakers to repeat what they just said but louder
ABELE QUAD—As the class of 2024 don their gowns and prepares to toss their caps in the air, John Dawson (T ‘23, summa cum laude) noticed...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
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Everyone in seminar thrilled to hear 15-minute discussion between one student and professor
DURHAM, N.C.— On Tuesday morning, in “The Natural History of Economics and Philosophical Thought in Western France,” a 12-person seminar...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
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Heartwarming: East Campus pickleball player discovers a second hobby
DURHAM, N.C.— Anyone who has walked by Duke East Campus tennis courts literally one time ever knows that they are used for one thing and...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
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Op-Ed: I am cold
DURHAM, N.C.—The crisp mornings and the advent of dusk as the clock approaches 6:00 pm is a clear sign that fall is upon us. Thinking...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20242 min read
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Paranormal occurrences: Three blonde men in one room
DURHAM, N.C.—Halloween may be over, but you can still find proof that spirits wander the Earth. Just recently, three blonde men were...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
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President Price announces he will make construction less of an eyesore by switching Duke’s colors to orange and black
DURHAM, N.C.—The recent invasion of fluorescent cones and bulldozers on Duke’s campus has prompted a shocking rebrand for the university....
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
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President Price legalizes marijuana in bid for re-election
DURHAM, N.C.—As the 2024 election cycle is upon us, President Price is grasping for straws to appeal to the progressive caucuses in...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
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Professor reveals he mixes up non-white students because of dementia, not racism
DURHAM, N.C.—When Professor Salisbury began the 2023 Fall Semester, he made sure to set his students’ expectations with a minor change to...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
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Professor shares totally appropriate anecdote about his marriage
DURHAM, N.C.—As cuffing season ramps up, many students are looking for hope and advice in the relationship sphere. Thankfully, professors...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
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Sinkhole swallows prospective student tour group on Abele Quad, new fence goes up
DURHAM, N.C.—Prospective students got an exclusive look at Duke’s ground(s) after a sinkhole on Abele Quad swallowed them whole. The...
The Fluke News Staff
Jan 18, 20241 min read
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